He who laughs, lasts.
— Mary Pettibone Poole
They misunderestimated me.
— George W Bush
A hard man is good to find.
— Mae West
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
— Harry S. Truman.
Man was predestined to have free will.
— Hal Lee Luyah
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
— Steven Wright.
It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.
— Mae West
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
— Jim Carrey
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
— W. C. Fields
Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning.
— George W Bush
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
— David Lee Roth
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
— Steven Wright
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
— Dean Martin
Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.
— Gene Brown.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
— P. J. O’Rourke
Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
— Colin Sautar
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
— Emo Philips
What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.
— Mahatma Gandhi
If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
— Dave Allen
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
— Charles Schulz
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time – I think I’ve forgotten this before.
— Stephen Wright
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
— Albert Einstein
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