He who laughs, lasts.
Mary Pettibone Poole

They misunderestimated me.
George W Bush

A hard man is good to find.
Mae West

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
Harry S. Truman.

Man was predestined to have free will.
Hal Lee Luyah

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright.

It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.
Mae West

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning.
George W Bush

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin

Foolproof systems don’t take into account the ingenuity of fools.
Gene Brown.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O’Rourke

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
Colin Sautar

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.
Mahatma Gandhi

If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
Dave Allen

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today.  It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles Schulz

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time – I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Stephen Wright

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

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